In Search Of Happiness
Once upon a time, in a far away villiage, an old woman was searching for something outside her house. She was on her knees diligently running her hands in the soil and grass. Someone saw her and asked, "What are you looking for?"
"I am searching for a ring," the old woman replied. "Then I will help you look," said the passer-by. And some other people who were passing saw and also stopped to help look for the illusive ring. But, search as they might, no-one could find the ring.
A young boy, who had also stopped to help the woman in her quest asked wisely, "Where did you loose this ring?" To which the woman said, "I lost it inside the house, young man." A bit surprised the young fellow asked, "Then why are you searching out here in the garden?" And the old woman looked up at the young boy and spoke, "Because inside it is dark."
In our eternal search for happiness, like the old woman, so many of us search outside ourselves for that which can only be found within. We say, When I get the new house, car, boat, promotion, new partner, new dress, new shoes, enough love from my partner, etc. then I'll be happy. And it never ends, because once we have attained the goal we feel happy, but the feeling is only transient. Very soon it begins to wane and we start searching for something else to fill the void, to make us happy. Finding happiness in this way can be an expensive business! Not to mention frustrating, as the internal state we seek is just that - internal. If you don't go within you go without!
Many things contribute to our state of emotional health. Some of them are beyond our control and in these times it's helpful to remember our connectedness to all things, life lessons or contracts - in short our spiritual beliefs. There is always a gift or lesson if we can only open our eyes through the pain in order to see it. Whilst we can't always be in control of external events we can always control the way in which we respond.
Our early childhood is where our basic life patterns, beliefs and our emotional habits are formed. As children we are literally like a sponge, and we take in everything without censoring. Largely, in these early years, our learning is at a subconscious level, which is why sometimes we have difficulty seeing why we have so many problems. We see the end result of our beliefs, actions and patterns, but are left wondering why we are in such a mess. Therapy is often useful to sort out this stuff, allowing us to evaluate what works and what doesn't, so we can see what it is that is causing us so much anguish and pain. This enlightenment, in turn, becomes our springboard for change.
Here are five important keys to attaining happiness.
Key number 1. Self esteem.
Self esteem plays a large part in how we feel. Let me explain what I mean by self esteem. Self esteem is what we believe about ourselves to be true. The way we judge ourselves. It describes our values, beliefs and attitudes towards ourselves. Having good self esteem means feeling good about yourself - even when you mess up. Especially when you mess up. Further, it does not rely on someone else telling you how wonderful you are or what a great job you do. It is called SELF esteem because it comes from inside.
If self esteem is about what you believe to be true about yourself, and it is, here is the good news. Beliefs can be changed. Have you ever had the experience when you were very small and you lost a tooth and you put it under your pillow, and what happened? By the next morning the tooth fairy, bless her, had tipitoed down from fairyland and collected the tooth to be planted - so it could grow into a star, of course. You knew it was true because they left you a dollar just to prove it. And couldn't you spot a new star in the sky the next night? The one that shone just a little brighter that all the rest. Well back then you believed that to be true. But what happened to that belief? Where is it now? What happened is that you learned some other things, and you realised one day that mum or dad had a lot to do with the dollar coin under your pillow. One day it simply wasn't true for you anymore, so you no longer believed it. But for a long time, whilst you were small and you believed it, the tooth fairy did exist for you. Your belief changed. This is important because our beliefs are not fact; our beliefs are just that - beliefs.
Key number 2. Live in the NOW.
Another factor in the quest for happiness is our ability to live in the NOW moment. Echkart Tolle states in his wonderful book, The Power Of Now, "You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You find yourself by coming into the present." Some people replay the 'old times' like a gramophone record that's got stuck. Many of us seek to escape from past hurts and pain by resorting to the use of drugs, alcohol, sex or that pair of new shoes, again like the old woman looking outside for what is within. Often, in looking to escape, we inadvertantly replay past hurts which keeps the pain alive so we can run away from it. It becomes a cycle and a habit. No amount of drugs, alcohol, sex or new shoes will change the past because it no longer exists, except in our minds. It's a memory. The only moment there is is now. All you have is now. All you every have is now.
Sometimes, however, we get stuck. Something happened back there in the past and we didn't process it too well, or not at all, and so it festers like a bad sore. In these cases therapy is often needed to clean out the wound so it can heal allowing forward movement into the present. Our memories are indeed powerful anchors to the past, but we need not be emotional slave to them any longer. With skillful help we can gain emotional freedom so we can be present in the NOW.
The headstone reads, "Here lies someone who was going to be happy tomorrow."
Key number 3. Tame the negative inner voice.
People who learn the art of happiness have also learned to tame that negative inner voice. Richard Bandler, the co-founder of NLP, once said that he has a very profound mantra that he repeats over and over to himself to still that inner terrorist. The mantra reads, "Shut the **** up!" In order to find peace of mind we need to take stock of it.
Key number 4. Forgiveness.
The Oxford English Dictionary, 1998 edition says, "Forgiveness: To stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offence, flaw or mistake."
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha.
What does this mean? How do we do it? Forgiveness is an attitude. Forgiveness is a state of mind. Pure and simple. It's a choice. Forgiveness does not mean that we condone what has happened, nor is fogiveness for the other person. It is a gift we give to ourselves. It's our ticket to freedom. If we choose to withhold forgiveness then we risk being burned by the hot coal. Resentment, anger, hurt all eat away at us, and we may spiral into depression and ill health. It keeps us rooted in the past, holds us back from gaining emotional freedom and being present in the NOW.
Forgiveness, on the other hand, is an ongoing process, because if the person we are forgiving is worthy of forgiveness today then they are tomorrow and the next day and the next day. Forgiveness is not a single event. It's an attitude and an ongoing process.
A Chinese proverb states, "He who seeks revenge should dig two graves."
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." John F Kennedy.
For many of us self-forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things to accomplish. Those two adversaries, guilt and shame, shadow our every move. It was Heinrich Heine who said, "God will forgive me; it is His trade." Let me ask you, would your god forgive you? Forgiveness being hs trade, the answer is yes. By not forgiving yourself you are placing yourself higher up the divine ladder than God. If this resonates with you then it may be time to step down a rung or two on the divine ladder and seek help in letting go.
Key number 5. Take responsibility.
How many of us can relate to this:
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the pavement. I fall in. I am lost...I am hopeless. It isn't my responsibility. It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the pavement. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But, it isn't my responsibility. It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the pavement. I see it is there. I still fall in...It's a habit. But my eyes are wide open. I know why I am here. It is my responsibility. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the pavement.
I walk around it.
I walk down a different street.
(Excerpt from Soul Purpose - Lyndall Briggs & Gary Green.)
Take responsibility. Walk down another street!
The bottom line:
Happiness is an inside job. It comes from the inside. It's an attitude. Sometimes, like the old woman in the story, when we look deep inside ourselves it is dark and uncomfortable, but only by going through the darkness do we ever truly get to the light.
Inner TranceFormations
Upper North Shore
Hypnotherapy
&
Counselling
Wendy Bunning
94561190 or 0419163251
ABN 66 291 266 871
Upper North Shore
Hypnotherapy
&
Counselling
Wendy Bunning
94561190 or 0419163251
ABN 66 291 266 871